LESSONS FROM MY MOTHER

My mother taught me to appreciate a job well done.
“If you’re going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning.” 

My mother taught me religion.
“You better pray that will come out of the carpet.”

My mother taught me about time travel.
“If you don’t straighten up, I’m going to knock you into the middle of next week!”

My mother taught me logic.
“Because I said so, that’s why.”

My mother taught me more logic.
“If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you’re not going to the store with me.”

My mother taught me irony.
“Keep crying, and I’ll give you something to cry about.”

My mother taught me about the science of osmosis.
“Shut your mouth and eat your supper.”

My mother taught me about stamina.
“You’ll sit there until all that spinach is gone.”

My mother taught me about weather.
“This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it.”

My mother taught me about hypocrisy.
“If I told you once, I’ve told you a million times. Don’t exaggerate!”

My mother taught me about envy.
“There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don’t have wonderful parents like you do.”

My mother taught me about anticipation.
“Just wait until your father gets home.”

My mother taught me medical advice.
“If you don’t stop crossing your eyes, they are going to get stuck that way.”

My mother taught me humor.
“When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don’t come running to me.”

My mother taught me about my roots.
“Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?”

My mother taught me wisdom.
“When you get to be my age, you’ll understand.”

My mother taught me about justice.
“One day you’ll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you.”