I Did Not Know When I Was Saved — But Now I Know Whom I Believe

Hope for Those Struggling With Assurance – Stephen Tanner’s Testimony

I was brought up in a God-fearing family.

My father read the Bible to us during family worship twice every day. I was about seven years old when I began to take an interest in reading the Bible for myself.

But there was little conviction of sin.

Usually, I was quite content with myself. Only occasionally would I seriously think about the things my father was teaching us from the Word of God.

Then, a few years later, something changed.

“What If I Am Not Saved?”

I began to realize that Hell was real.

It was not merely something mentioned in sermons or written about in the Bible.

There really was a judgment to come.

And I was not at all certain that I truly believed upon Jesus Christ as my Saviour.

At times, a terrible sense of horror and guilt would come over me.

Yet even during those years, I can look back and see things that God was doing in my life.

There were occasions when I was in physical danger and cried to the Lord for help, and He answered my prayers.

These experiences gave me a greater awareness of the reality and mercy of God.

So I continued asking Him for salvation.

And I kept asking for something else:

Assurance that I was saved.

“Your Souls Are Worth a Thousand Worlds”

I remember one occasion when our family had sung Psalm 27:

“The LORD is my light and my salvation; whom shall I fear?”

God was beginning to show me more of what He was really like.

Something else that deeply stirred me came from John Bunyan’s The Heavenly Footman.

Bunyan urged his readers not to be careless about eternity. Time was running. Death and judgment were approaching. The soul was of infinitely greater value than the things of this world.

One particular thought struck me:

“Your souls are worth a thousand worlds; and will you be slothful?”

Those words searched me.

This was not a small matter.

This was my soul.

I Began to Understand the Cross

When I was about thirteen, the Lord began opening my understanding concerning the atoning death of Jesus Christ upon the Cross.

I already knew the words.

I knew that Jesus had died.

I knew that He had risen again.

But now I began to understand more clearly why He had shed His blood.

The story of the crucifixion and resurrection in John’s Gospel became especially precious to me.

This was no longer merely religious information.

Christ had died for sinners.

There was an atonement.

There was forgiveness.

There was salvation in Him.

Yet one great difficulty remained.

I still did not have assurance that I was saved.

A Little of the World?

After this, instead of pressing on earnestly, I began to become complacent.

I slackened in my search.

And increasingly, I began looking toward the things of this world for satisfaction.

Perhaps, I thought, a little of the world would not be so bad.

I found out that it was.

The world could not give me peace with God.

It could not answer the question of my sin.

It could not give me eternal life.

And it certainly could not give me assurance.

“Because of My Sin”

When I was seventeen, God warned me.

There seemed to be no way of escaping the reality of my condition.

The words of David seemed written for me:

“There is no soundness in my flesh because of thine anger; neither is there any rest in my bones because of my sin.” — Psalm 38:3

It was my sin.

That was the problem.

I could not hide behind my upbringing.

I could not hide behind family worship.

I could not hide behind the fact that my father read the Bible to us twice a day.

I could not hide behind the fact that I had been interested in spiritual things since childhood.

I needed Christ for myself.

Then I Saw John 5:24

One day, I opened the Bible.

And by the grace of God, my attention was drawn to John 5:24:

“Verily, verily, I say unto you, He that heareth my word, and believeth on him that sent me, HATH everlasting life, and shall not come into condemnation; but IS PASSED from death unto life.”

Those words began to grip me.

Over a period of time, I kept finding verses like this.

And they seemed full of meaning.

I began to notice exactly what Jesus had said:

“He that heareth my word, and believeth…”

Not:

“He that can remember the exact moment of his conversion.”

Not:

“He that has experienced exactly what somebody else experienced.”

Not:

“He that can produce a dramatic testimony.”

But:

“He that heareth my word, and believeth on him that sent me, hath everlasting life.”

I began to understand.

My assurance was not to rest upon how strongly I could feel something.

It was not to rest upon my ability to remember an exact date.

It was to rest upon Christ and His Word.

My prayer became the prayer of the man who cried to Jesus:

“Lord, I believe; help thou mine unbelief.” — Mark 9:24

I Cannot Tell You the Date

There is something unusual about my testimony.

I do not know exactly when I was converted.

I cannot give you a particular hour.

I cannot point to one particular prayer and say with absolute certainty:

“That was the moment.”

For a person struggling with assurance, that can become frightening.

You hear someone else say:

“I was saved at 8:30 on a Tuesday evening.”

Another person remembers the exact sermon.

Another remembers the exact place where he knelt.

Another can point to the precise verse through which he came to Christ.

And then you look at your own life and wonder:

Why can’t I do that?

But salvation does not depend upon remembering when you first believed.

The great question is not:

Can I remember the exact moment I was saved?

The great question is:

Am I believing upon Jesus Christ?

I may not know exactly when the sun rose this morning.

But I know that it is light.

And that is how I can describe what God has done for me.

“Whereas I Was Blind, Now I See”

I do not know the precise moment when I was converted.

But I know this:

“One thing I know, that, whereas I was blind, now I see.” — John 9:25

God called me in His everlasting love when I was dead in sin.

He gave me eternal life.

And today I know that the Lord Jesus Christ is my Saviour.

He is still strengthening my faith.

I still need Him.

I still look to Him.

But my hope is not in how perfectly I understand my own experience.

My hope is in Jesus Christ.

Hope for Those Struggling With Assurance

Perhaps you are reading this because you are struggling with the same question.

Am I really saved?

Perhaps you have asked God again and again.

Perhaps you have searched your feelings.

Perhaps you have examined your conversion experience until you hardly know what to think anymore.

Perhaps somebody else’s dramatic testimony has made you question your own.

Then look away from yourself.

Look to Christ.

Jesus did not say:

“He that can perfectly explain his conversion hath everlasting life.”

He said:

“He that believeth on me hath everlasting life.” — John 6:47

Do not make your feelings your Saviour.

Do not make your memory your Saviour.

Do not make the strength of your faith your Saviour.

Jesus Christ is the Saviour.

And if your trembling heart can only cry:

“Lord, I believe; help thou mine unbelief,”

then cry it to Him.

Never Give Up Seeking Him

To everyone who is searching, I have this to say:

Never give up.

And if you are not seeking Him at all, start now.

Do not play with eternity.

Do not allow the world to distract you.

Do not suppose that because you were raised in a Christian home, know the Bible, or have Christian parents, all must therefore be well with your soul.

Come personally to Christ.

Take Him at His Word.

Jesus said:

“Ask, and it shall be given you; seek, and ye shall find; knock, and it shall be opened unto you.” — Matthew 7:7

I cannot tell you the exact moment when God saved me.

But I can tell you this:

Once I was blind.

Now I see.

Once I wondered whether Christ was really my Saviour.

Now I know that He is.

And the same Christ who saved me continues to strengthen my faith today.

“Verily, verily, I say unto you, He that believeth on me hath everlasting life.” — John 6:47

—Stephen Tanner