Always Ravished With Love - Conjurske, Glenn

The Importance of True Love in Marriage

The Lord says in Matthew 19:9, ‘‘Whosoever shall put away his wife, except it be for fornication, and shall marry another, committeth adultery, and whoso marrieth her which is put away doth commit adultery.” Hearing this, the disciples respond, ‘‘If the case of the man be so with his wife, it is not good to marry.” If the marriage bond cannot be dissolved, they thought, it is not good to marry at all.

Why Not Marry?

But why not? Evidently because so many marriages are sour, uncongenial, unhappy, and unsatisfying, and it is evidently better to be single than to be trapped in a bad marriage. ‘‘Better half hanged than ill wed,” as an old proverb aptly says. But understand, the God who created marriage, and has dictated that the marriage bond should be permanent and indissoluble, never intended that that permanent bond should be unhappy or sour. God is good. God is love. Marriage is one of His best gifts to the human race, and His design for marriage is that it should be a union of supreme and unmingled happiness. God says, ‘‘Rejoice with the wife of thy youth, … and be thou ravished always with her love.” (Prov. 5:18-19). This is not a picture of drudgery or misery, nor a picture of unsatisfied longings, but of complete satisfaction. This is God’s design for marriage.

God’s Design for Marriage

And not only is this the design of God. It is also the dream of the whole human race. But it is a dream which is too seldom realized. Why is this? I believe one of the main reasons is just this, that you cannot be always ravished with a love which does not exist. I believe that most people who marry in our day are not in love when they marry. They likely never have been in love, and do not know what it is to be in love. They may have some strong romantic or physical desires towards their partner, but those desires are not love. Every man is in love with femininity, and I suppose every woman is in love with masculinity. Such love may give them strong desires towards any and every attractive person of the opposite sex, but it is another thing altogether to be in love with a particular person. And let us be very clear here: love is the only thing which can make a satisfying marriage. And I am not talking about spiritual love, nor about friendship, nor about brother-sister love, but about romantic love. I am talking about the love which can only exist between masculine and feminine souls, and which is based upon the mutual attractions which naturally exist between masculine and feminine natures. That love, I repeat, is the only thing which can secure a satisfying marriage.

False Doctrines About Love

But there are some very dangerous doctrines afloat in the church concerning this love. Some hold that it is unnecessary, or transitory, or deceptive, so that it is not worth troubling yourself about it. Others hold that it is in some way tainted or polluted, and call it by the debased name of ‘‘lust.” What is needed, they say, is divine or spiritual love. Others teach that ‘‘love is a choice,” or ‘‘love is a decision,” and that any man may thus love any woman, if he simply chooses to do so—-and whenever he chooses to do so. If he does not love her today, he may choose to do so tomorrow. Others teach that this love is to be experienced only after marriage—-that it is impossible, or that it is wrong, to feel or possess it before marriage.

Now I am bold to say that all of these doctrines are false, and not only false, but very pernicious, for wherever these doctrines are believed and acted upon they will fill the world with unhappy and unsatisfying marriages.

Refuting False Doctrines

Some of these doctrines hardly need to be refuted. We all know by nature that romantic love cannot be secured by a decision. We all know by nature that it is not possible to fall in love with every man or woman we know. Towards some we feel no attraction at all, and could not if we spent ten years trying. Towards others we may feel a weak attraction. Towards others we feel a very strong attraction. Even this is not love, though it is the foundation for love. It is a plain fact, and a fact which we all know by nature, that we cannot fall in love with every person we know.

But observe, if it is true that a man cannot fall in love with every woman he knows, or at any time he chooses, and another fact that love is the only thing which can give him a satisfying marriage, then the most important thing is to secure that love before we enter into marriage. Know what that love is, and know that you have it. Without the certainty of that love, you will be nothing better than a fool to marry at all. It is carelessness or ignorance on this point which produces so many unhappy marriages, even among the most godly and spiritual of Christians.

Marriage as a Lottery

An old proverb says, ‘‘Marriage is a lottery,” implying that we cannot know beforehand whether our marriage will be good or bad, happy or miserable. Alas, this proverb is true if we marry without securing those things which will secure a good marriage. No one makes bad marriages on purpose, yet bad marriages are more common than good ones. No one makes dull or unhappy or sour or unsatisfying marriages on purpose, but they fail to take those steps which will prevent them. This makes marriage a lottery indeed.

Marriage Is Not a Lottery

But to suppose that marriage is necessarily a lottery is in fact to reproach the God who created marriage. Does God require you to enter into a permanent relationship, to be parted only by death, with no way to know whether you will be happy in it or miserable? Does God require you to make this permanent commitment as you would buy a lottery ticket, taking the risk of a life of misery or drudgery, for the chance of a life of happiness? No one who believes in the goodness of God can believe any such thing. Man has made marriage a lottery. God did not make it so. Man makes marriage a lottery by ignorantly or carelessly entering into it without first securing those things which will secure its happiness.

The Two Ingredients for a Good Marriage

Those things are simple enough, and there are only two of them. Those two are love and character. Without love, marriage will be drudgery, or worse. Without character, love will not be very likely to survive. We must have love to make a good marriage, and character to preserve it. Both of these things must be secured before marriage, or they will probably never be secured at all. This is especially true of love. If you marry someone of the wrong character, that may be changed. The ungodly may repent and be converted. The lazy may repent and become industrious. Those who marry a partner of bad character, hoping for a change after marriage, are very foolish, but still such a change is possible. But love is another matter. If you know a person well enough to enter into a marriage engagement, and are yet not in love, it is almost certain that you never will be and never can be. It is no time to think of making a good marriage when you find yourself in a bad one. You cannot add the sugar after the cake is baked.

Love Before Marriage

And understand, it is altogether proper that we should be in love before we marry. The Bible says, ‘‘And Jacob loved Rachel; and said, I will serve thee seven years for Rachel thy younger daughter. … And Jacob served seven years for Rachel; and they seemed unto him but a few days, for the love he had to her. (Gen. 29:18 & 20). This was no tame friendship, nor spiritual love, but romance. This burned in Jacob’s heart for seven years before he married his beloved Rachel.

Unrealized Love

But as we said earlier, we fear that most couples who marry are not in love, though many of them doubtless think they are. Good marriages are rare. Divorce is common in the church as well as in the world, and among those who have too much character to think of divorce, unhappy, unsatisfying marriages are more common than happy ones. I believe there are two reasons for this state of things. One reason is that many who started out with a delightful and satisfying marriage, by their own carelessness or lack of character have lost it. But many others have married without ever securing the ingredients necessary to make a good marriage. Ignorance, often coupled with bad teaching on the subject, have left most young people simply in the dark as to the nature of true romance, which is the one ingredient absolutely necessary to make a good marriage.

The Importance of Caution

But you simply cannot afford to be ignorant here. Next to your choice as to whether you will serve the Lord or the devil, your choice of a marriage partner is the most important choice you will ever make. Your choice to hold on to your sins, or to repent of them and serve Christ, will determine your happiness—-or your misery—-for eternity. Your choice of a marriage partner will determine your happiness—-or your misery—-for time. But this choice will reach into eternity also, for the kind of marriage which you have will be one of the biggest factors in determining your spiritual course, and your effectiveness in the service of your God. Yet in spite of the almost unparalleled importance of this matter, most young people set out to find a marriage partner just about as a troop of four-year-olds would go shopping for the ingredients to make a cake. A recipe they have never seen. They have some notions—-many of them vague, many of them wrong—-about what goes into a good cake, but probably only a good streak of luck would enable any of them to come up with all the right ingredients. Many of the cakes thus made would be inedible. Others would be tolerable, but certainly not delightful.

Marriage is About Delight

Now when we come to speak of the bond of marriage, it is a plain fact that the only kind of marriage which can satisfy you is the delightful kind. I once heard a man speak of having a ‘‘successful marriage.” What is a ‘‘successful marriage”? One that does not end in divorce? One that is not full of fighting and nagging? Is that all? Who wants a ‘‘successful” marriage? It is natural, probably unavoidable, that people should dream of marriage, but folks do not dream of anything so cold as a ‘‘successful” marriage, but of a delightful marriage. They dream of a piece of rich, moist cake, covered all over with thick, creamy frosting. And my advice is: dream all you please, and then . . . W A I T.

Waiting for True Love

Wait until you are certain that you have found the fulfillment of your dreams.

I, of course, am very well aware that ‘‘WAIT” is the very last word which many of you wish to hear. You have waited too long already. You have pressing physical and emotional desires which are almost overwhelming. They obtrude themselves upon you at all times, in every circumstance and activity. Whether you converse, or work, or read, or pray, those desires are always present, always powerful, always pressing for fulfillment. In short, you are burning, and Scripture says, ‘‘It is better to marry than to burn.” (I Cor. 7:9). And yet I ask you, What kind of marriage do you want? A marriage which will satisfy those desires, and end your burning, or a marriage that will leave you burning still? Any marriage which does not thoroughly fulfill your dreams and thoroughly satisfy your desires will leave you burning still. Though you may not know it, you need a marriage which will satisfy and lay to rest all of the physical and emotional desires which belong to your nature—-desires which you may not even recognize or understand if you are young. I repeat it, then: WAIT. Wait until you know what it is that you need in a marriage, and, if you do know it, wait until you are sure you have found it. To wait and burn for a few months or years now will be hard, no doubt—-but not half so hard as it will be to spend the rest of your life wishing you had waited, while you burn for the fulfillment which your marriage fails to give you.

The Dreams of Your Heart

Now, when I speak of the fulfillment of your dreams, I am speaking of the dreams of your heart—-the dreams which are common to the whole human race—-romantic dreams. If you are dreaming of a woman who can read Hebrew, Greek, and Latin, play the piano by ear, and type a hundred words a minute, I wish you luck—-but you may find all of that in a woman and yet have a marriage which is barren and unsatisfying. If you are looking for a man of the purest character and the deepest spirituality, I hope you find him—-but you may secure all that and yet lack the main ingredient which is necessary to make a good marriage.

The main ingredient is romance. Romantic love! This is the thing which alone can satisfy your heart. This is the thing without which marriage is drudgery rather than delight. The most important thing to secure, then, before you ever think of marrying, is to be in love.

True Love Versus Infatuation

Understand, now, to be in love with someone is an altogether different thing from loving that person. You may love a thousand people at once—-and indeed, you ought to—-but you can be ‘‘in love” with only one. In the nature of the case, it is not possible to be ‘‘in love” with more than one, at one time. That will appear very plainly as we proceed. We are talking here about two different kinds of love—-what I call generic, or general love, and romantic love. When I was a student at Bible school I had a bad case of the romantic kind for a certain girl, who, however, had no such interest in me. This girl had a roommate, a little Korean girl, who had a very hard time getting along with her. This Korean girl, who was very vocal, was vociferating one day about her roommate, and affirmed emphatically, ‘‘Is impossible to love her.” I responded, ‘‘But I love her.” With a sweep of the hand, a curl of the lip, and a look of disdain, she snapped back, ‘‘That different kind of love.”

Two Different Kinds of Love

That there are two different kinds of love is a fact which the whole human race knows by experience, so that there should be no need to say a word on the subject. But alas, many of the popular teachers of the modern church have darkened counsel on this subject by words without knowledge, teaching as though these two kinds of love are but one. This is a hyperspiritual notion, which requires people to deny the obvious, and which leads in the end to disillusionment. The distinction between these two kinds of love is as plainly seen in the Bible as it is in the universal experience of the human race. First Corinthians 13 sets forth generic love. The Song of Solomon sets forth romantic love. If you need proof that the two are not the same thing, consider the following:

Romantic love says, ‘‘Stay me with flagons, comfort me with apples, for I am sick of love.” (Song of Solomon 2:5).

‘‘Thou hast ravished my heart, my sister, my spouse: thou hast ravished my heart with one of thine eyes, with one chain of thy neck.” (Song of Solomon 4:9).

‘‘Turn away thine eyes from me, for they have overcome me.” (Song of Solomon 6:5).

Such things have no place in generic love—-no place in I Corinthians 13—-but they are the very life and breath of romantic love. Such things have no place in the love of a friend, regardless of how much you may love that friend. It is not a question of the degree of love, but of the kind of love. You may have the greatest possible love for your friends, your parents, your children—-such intense love that you would die for them—-yet you can never say to them those things which we have quoted from the Song of Solomon. Such things have no place at all in friendship or family love, though they are as natural and as necessary as breathing in romantic love.

The Nature of Infatuation

Clearly, then, it is possible to have very strong generic love toward someone without having any romantic love at all. This is as it should be, and must be. But generic love, however strong, can never make a good marriage. That kind of love cannot fulfill your dreams. It cannot satisfy your heart. You must have a different kind of love. Your heart aches for romance, and can never be satisfied with anything less. This is a fact which no one would question were it not for the fact that hyperspiritual notions on the subject have been spread through the church by popular teachers. Such notions may take various forms, which range from merely ignoring romantic love (as though generic love were the only kind there is), to fearing it (as though it were something illusionary or deceptive), to despising it (as though it were unsatisfying or transitory), to depreciating it (as though it were something carnal). The great George Whitefield obviously took the last viewpoint 250 years ago, when he wrote in a letter proposing marriage: ‘‘You need not be afraid of sending me a refusal; for, I bless God, if I know anything of my own heart, I am free from that foolish passion, which the world calls love.’

The Importance of Real Love

In our own day, I once heard a speaker on a national evangelical radio program, discoursing on how to tell if you are in love. His whole presentation was from I Corinthians 13, and though he said many true and wise things about generic love, not one word did he say that had anything to do with his subject, how to know if you are in love. He said enough, however, to make it clear that he believed that what is usually (and rightly) regarded as being ‘‘in love” is transitory and unnecessary.

Friends, I am here to inform you that true romance is neither carnal, nor unsatisfying, nor unnecessary. It is the most delightful and satisfying gift of God to man, and certainly one of the purest and noblest. A whole book of the Bible is devoted to it, and it is the soul and life of every marriage which is anything more than empty routine or mere drudgery. And more, I intend to show you shortly, on the basis of experience and Scripture, how you may know whether you are ‘‘in love.” But before that we must establish a couple of other points:

Romantic Love Is Not Physical Love

First, if romance is not mere generic love, neither is it mere physical love. The physical love which belongs to marriage may be the frosting on the cake, but it is not the cake. That romantic love is not mere physical lovemaking I prove by two self-evident facts. First, you may have a physical relationship where you have no romance at all, as a myriad of unhappily married couples could tell you. But it is equally true that you may be deeply in love without having any physical relationship at all—-without so much as ever touching each other. True romantic love may be fully developed and ‘‘strong as death” long before you ever touch each other. Indeed, it ought to be. Love is not in the body, but in the soul. It is not physical, but emotional.

The real ecstasy even of the physical relationship does not lie in the physical realm at all, but in the deep and tender intimacy of heart and soul with your own beloved. Without that intimate union of heart and soul, which is the essence of true romantic love, the physical union of male and female will be as insipid and unsatisfying as food without salt, or perhaps I should say, cake without sugar. You will partake of it, because you need it, but you will find yourself involuntarily (and unavoidably) longing for the something that you know is missing, even though you may be unable to define what that something is. You will still be burning and languishing for love.

Romantic Feelings Are Not Proof of Being in Love

The next thing I must establish is that romantic feelings—-even strong romantic feelings—-are no proof of being in love. Romantic love, like generic love, comes in varying degrees, ranging anywhere from very weak to very strong. When your romantic feelings towards one person have reached a certain point of strength, you may properly be said to be ‘‘in love.” What that point is I shall tell you shortly. Here I shall only insist that you may have some degree of romantic feelings towards a dozen persons, or a hundred, and not be in love with any of them. You may have very strong romantic feelings towards several persons at once, and the only thing it proves is that you are not in love with any of them.

Tests to Know If You Are in Love

I now proceed to give you a few tests by which you may know if you are in love.

Romantic feelings consist primarily of delight in and desire for a person of the opposite sex. A man may have such feelings for any and every attractive woman, and not be in love with any of them. When he is in love, all of those feelings are centered in one person. She rises, in his eyes, above every other woman he knows or can imagine—-and so far above them that she is in a class by herself. She is not merely the best among many—-not merely the prettiest flower among the flowers—-but ‘‘the lily among the thorns.” ‘‘As the lily among the thorns, so is my love among the daughters.” (Song of Solomon 2:2). The lily is attractive. The thorns are not. So attractive, so charming, so appealing, so captivating, so enchanting has she become to him that she has despoiled all other women of their charms. An old French proverb says, ‘‘Satisfied love sees no charms.” A man in love is satisfied with one woman, and sees no charms in any other. He surveys the whole field, and says, ‘‘There are threescore queens, and fourscore concubines, and virgins without number. My dove, my undefiled is but one.” (Song of Solomon 6:8-9). That is, she is in a class by herself. There is no other woman like her. So charmed, so enchanted, so enthralled is he with her that no other woman can attract him. Queens? Concubines? Virgins without number? All the cream of the crop, no doubt. All charming and beautiful, all fit for a king. But they are all nothing to him. He has no interest. He has found his own love, and she ‘‘is but one”—-in a class by herself, the lily among the thorns—-and he feels from the depth of his soul that, so long as he can have her, he neither does nor can want anything that any other woman has to offer. This is the acid test. This is the proof that he is in love.

A man, then, who has trouble making up his mind between two women is certainly not in love with either of them. When he is in love with one, the other will be out of his thoughts. If he has dreams or desires for any other woman, he is certainly not in love. If any other woman can draw his heart, he is certainly not in love.

Conclusion on True Love

A man who is in love is willing to take his beloved as she is, without any change. He may be very well aware of her faults and foibles, and yet he wants her still. He is willing to commit himself to a lifetime of the most intimate closeness to her just as she is, without any change in her ever. Of course, if she has faults and defects in her character, you wish to see those faults removed, and to see her become everything she ought to be. Nevertheless, you would rather have her, with all her faults, than any other woman on earth. And you would rather have her just as she is, faults and all, than not to have her at all.

And this test we may take a step further. If you are in love, you will not only take this woman just as she is, but also ‘‘for better or for worse.” Suppose her health fails. You would rather have her in sickness than any other woman in health. Suppose she gains twenty-five pounds. You would rather have her overweight than any other woman trim and shapely.

And I must mention here that one of the woman’s deepest needs is for security, and every real or imagined defect in herself, especially every physical defect, tends to make her insecure. She goes about to remedy her supposed defects with clothes and cosmetics and curlers and diets and exercises and who knows what, and yet her insecurity remains. The only thing which can totally remove that insecurity is a man’s love, and a man who is in love with her can give her such security that she can bask in it, swim in it, sink in it, forget even that she has any need for it—-and all this while all of her defects remain.